I can already hear the mashing of teeth and the howls of disapproval when people read this article: “What? I’m supposed to whip my partner or let them whip me so that we can feel more intimate with each other?” Well Yea! Got a problem with that?
Intimacy in Marriage and All Long Term Relationships Is Hard
BDSM is an acronym that stands for Bondage & Discipline / Domination & Submission / Sadism & Masochism. That’s quite a mouthful but the variety within this topic can stretch from very tame BDSM to some serious heavy BDSM that only a few serious practitioners get involved in. The gay community has led the way in using BDSM for intimacy but the straight community is catching up fast, especially since people started reading Fifty Shades of Grey.
The internet loves to show shocking controversial images and I think that may give people not familiar with BDSM the idea BDSM is always some violent painful act. It doesn’t have to be.
Just to be clear I’m not advocating that all of you run out right now and buy whips and ropes in order to save your relationship. Whether any couple decides to explore the BDSM world or not, understanding the psychology behind it and why two people who love each other would want to journey into this realm can help any relationship.
Let me remind you of the safety protocols for sane BDSM:
- BDSM is practiced by two or more consenting adults
- All adults have educated themselves appropriately in the topic of BDSM
- Standard communication protocols that create safety and are understood and agreed to by all parties
- Safe sexual practices to prevent the spread of STDs is always employed
BDSM As An Act of Love
BDSM can either be a disconnected act between two strangers or it can be a road map to a more intimate connection between two people. In order for a loving couple to practice BDSM with loving intimacy, the sub must be willing to open up all of his body, mind and soul to the DOM; hiding nothing and dropping all defenses. The DOM needs to understand the sub so well that he can create a scene that will actually allow the sub to feel safe enough to give himself over.
In order for the sub to be that vulnerable, the DOM must do everything in his power to create a sense of trust and safety with his sub or he won’t get what he wants; the complete control of his sub. The DOM’s role is not an easy one. There is a lot of responsibility and a lot of effort put into dominating and controlling a partner in just the right way in order to create the chemistry that both of them are looking for.
This requires the DOM to also be open and honest with the sub; not deceiving, manipulative or hiding his own emotions from the sub. The DOM has to build a bond of trust and honesty so strong with the sub that the sub will be willing to open up all of his body, mind and soul to the DOM. With no defenses activated between the two people there are no barriers to that ultimate and some say spiritual meeting of the souls.
The sub lets go of any fear in his ego-mind that blocks love and intimacy from flowing freely. That deeper connection the two experience is very intimate and if the DOM can meet him in that place giving his own body, mind and soul to the experience, whats more intimate then that?
Healthy loving intimacy = vulnerability
When two people drop all of their ego-needs and really connect on that heart level the experience is like nothing else in the realm of human experience. This can be an empowering experience for both people. It can be a recipe for intimacy: intimacy equals vulnerability. Vulnerability is experienced when two people drop all of their defenses and open completely to each others. This requires a lot of trust in each other. The sub trusts the DOM to not hurt him, the DOM trust the sub to not reject him. The dialog, often unspoken is complete and without restriction.
Full Time BDSM?
In some BDSM relationships the role of DOM and sub are only played out in the act of sex and love-making. Some couples find that a more complete BDSM lifestyle works for them. In the more complete BDSM lifestyle the roles of control, domination and submission extend beyond the bedroom into other aspects of their lives together. This is a personal choice between the partners. They get to build a working relationship together. The important thing is that both people are knowledgeable and nobody is being manipulated by the other.
Don’t get me wrong, BDSM is not the only way to accomplish this meeting of the souls. It is one of many ways to your joint souls. If you are looking for ways to spice up your long term relationship and help keep it alive then BDSM is a worthy consideration.
Are you ready to start making positive change today?