August Ayurveda

Playing with fire can sometimes be insanely hot. If you like rough sex, BDSM, and various kinks and fetishes, you’ve definitely heard of temperature play before. But, if you haven’t, our beginner’s guide to wax play will show you what you’re missing! 

Temperature Play

For starters, temperature play is a popular BDSM kink involving the use of hot/cold substances and objects during sex. If you rub an ice cube on a person’s genitals or nipples, or if you drip some molten wax on their skin, it will fire up their neuroreceptors for a highly sensual effect. You can also take the kink to extremes. Some people use flames, torches, or fire cups on the skin directly for heat torture. Conversely, intense temperature play can also involve the insertion of ice cubes into a submissive’s vagina or anus. 

When it comes to wax play, it doesn’t necessarily need to be a part of hardcore BDSM scenes. Many people can use hot wax lightly during foreplay or penetrative sex as a way of adding some dominance/submission into their bedroom activities. Still, it can be a bit painful and that’s why it’s not for everyone. Playing with candle wax requires consent and great patience or attention because it can cause discomfort and skin irritations. However, if you’re into it and learn how to do it correctly, you’ll definitely get to experience some unique sensations and squirming orgasms. 

The Best Candle 

So how should you start, and what’s the best candle you could use? Well, the safest candles are those specifically made for wax play since they are manufactured by sex toy makers. One of the best types is made of soy. They do not burn at high temperatures, and they also cool quickly. Moreover, soy is an organic material, which lowers the risk of irritations. However, some people don’t like their softness/stickiness. 

If you’re tempted to buy standard candles from a retail store, it’s best to choose some that burn at low temperatures. That includes 100% paraffin or massage candles. Paraffin candles are super easy to clean and remove. Yet, they can cause temporary redness on the skin, but most BDSM fans will not mind this. What’s more, you should avoid gel, taper, scented, metallic, or beeswax candles since they have a high melting point. They can cause serious burns and scars while making wax removal incredibly difficult.

Another thing to note is that candle colors will also have an effect on the temperature of the wax. For example, white will drip much cooler compared to black. Yet, white also takes longer to cool down. Thus, it’s better to start with white and move to darker colors like red or black if you want to increase the heat. 

Candle Wax Play 

Before you start, always remember that holding the candle approximately 18 inches away from your partner’s skin is the safest. Also, you will need to discuss this kink with your partner first. You need to get their consent and establish some safe words before you light the candle.

Then, remove any flammable materials from your bedroom or sex dungeon. Also, to save your furniture and avoid stains, put a plastic sheet or towel under your sub. The next step is to give your partner a massage with essential oils. This will warm up the skin, and it will also facilitate wax removal later on. After that, it’s time to test the wax by dripping only a small amount of it on your sub’s arm or thigh. Observe their reaction and check for any allergies. If there’s no harmful reaction within a few minutes, the playtime can start! 

What’s Next?

So what can you do during wax play? Well, you could drip the wax onto your partner’s back or shoulders. Then, you can move on to their thighs and butt. The stomach is also a great spot. You can experiment with different drips, for example, those that roll down the skin. When the wax reaches the sub’s skin, they’ll feel a burst of light pain followed by a subside as the wax gets colder. You can also experiment with patterns, shapes, layers, etc. 

Typically, the trick is to explore your sub’s senses and get a kick out of being dominant. Ultimately, the wax should cause an unusual high and a rush of pleasurable endorphins. You can also incorporate the other side of temperature play and use ice cubes to cool down the wax and create more unusual sensations. 

Also, if you want to kick it up a notch, you can experiment with floggers, paddles, canes, spanking, dirty talk, latex, and oral sex. In the end, you can remove the wax with a plastic card, scraper, or your nails. 

Safety Precautions 

Aside from the warnings we’ve mentioned, there are a few other precautions for playing with warm wax. Obviously, you should never drip the wax onto your partner’s face or into their eyes. Also, don’t use mouth gags and restraints unless you have previous experience with BDSM play. If you want to try penetration, it’s best to put the candle away. Furthermore, never pour the candle wax onto open wounds or your sub’s genitals. It’s also not advisable to try temperature play on your own. As mentioned, candle play can get quite messy, so don’t forget to apply oil on the skin first. 

And above all, you should always communicate with the receiving partner and be aware of their pain tolerance. Do not push them to take more than they can handle. Finally, don’t neglect some quality aftercare time and spend a few moments to bond with your partner after your kinky experience. 

Flame On! 

So does wax play sound hot enough for you? Now that you know the ins and outs, stock up on some candles and have fun with your kinky experiments!

While daddy/girl play is common in hardcore porn or during rough sex, DDLG is a completely unique roleplay fetish. It goes beyond conventional daddy talk (e.g., “Fuck me, daddy!”), and it can actually be a bit unusual to grasp at first. Today, we’ll explore the roles of Daddy and his naughty little girl and get you started with DDLG!

What Is DDLG?

First of all, DDLG (Daddy Dom/little girl) is a type of consensual fetish with two adult participants.

This ageplay fetish is related to BDSM. It requires a male Daddy Dom and a little girl. The interplay between a submissive female and a dominant man is not linked to incest or pedophilia by any means. Generally, it’s a misunderstood fetish. Some may feel that this practice is wrong or inappropriate. Still, it’s a form of roleplay that occurs with consent from both partners. The Daddy and his girl will arrange an agreement to discuss their rules, roles, and boundaries before the roleplay. Hence, it’s a completely normal fetish in which two partners enact their fantasies.

What’s more, many DDLG players have turned this kink into a lifestyle choice. Others, however, practice it only in the bedroom. Some can only roleplay with outfits and costumes in child-like activities. They can play with stuffed animals, read bedtime stories, and even use spanking when discipline is required. Those who prefer to make the roleplay sexual can try all sorts of activities that focus on power exchange.

When it comes to sex, the little girl will typically perform various acts to satisfy her Daddy. BDSM accessories can also allow the Daddy to discipline his girl and make her obey his commands. But, the little girl can also ask her Dom Daddy to fulfill her sexual needs. He knows the best ways of pleasuring her and can use sex as a form of reward.

Also, what sets DDLG apart from BDSM is the fact that the relationships are much more caring and sensual. Still, some can try DDLG with even the most hardcore sex practices. They can incorporate the roleplay into various BDSM kinks and other fetishes.

The Roles in DDLG

Ageplay and especially DDLG sets out to satisfy both partners on multiple levels. The Daddy Dom role is appealing to dominant men who are attracted to innocence and youth. They could also love this roleplay because of their natural instinct to provide. Conversely, the little girl role may suit submissive women who want a strong, dominant partner. Also, it appeals to those who constantly seek attention, praise, security, and discipline.

Daddies are usually the caregivers and also the punishers. They can be controlling and strict. However, they can also be gentle, kind, and supportive. The Dom Daddy has to know when to exert control and dominate/discipline his girl to make her obey him.

On the other hand, the little girl sub has a wider choice of roles. She can be of any age or even go through the whole process of growing up during the roleplay. That means she could be a baby who wears pacifiers and diapers. During the roleplay, she may grow into a teenage girl. Quite often, women in this role will act like silly brats. They could insist on a lot of cuddling and playing. The little girl will give consent to her partner, and she will also trust him regarding his decisions.

Moreover, we’ve said that some can make this roleplay into a lifestyle choice. They may practice it constantly during their day-to-day lives. Others, however, prefer to arrange set times for their DDLG sessions. DDLG players call this their “Little Space.” In it, both partners can unwind and participate in their DDLG roleplay. In a way, they can use it to escape from daily life, stress, and adult responsibilities.

From DDLG to BDSM Real Quick

For DDLG play, both roles will determine the specific scenes, activities, and outfits. The little girl generally gets all of the accessories and costumes. The Dom doesn’t require any special outfits except for some daddy-like clothes and even a leather belt for punishment. Some of the outfits and accessories for the sub include pajamas, adult diapers, onesies, sippy cups, teddy bears, pacifiers, etc.

One example of a session in Little Space is when the Daddy bathes and dresses his baby girl. Other activities could include playing with coloring books, games, and reading fairy tales. This can progress to disciplining, especially if the girl starts acting moody or bratty.

The most typical punishment would include spanking, although there are other forms of discipline. The Daddy could put his girl in detention by making her stand in a corner. He could make her write out some lines on a piece of paper or even wash her mouth with soap for swearing. What’s more, the punishments and the rewards can be sexual.

DDLG can progress to BDSM quickly if the partners agree on it. Some activities could include master/slave play, bondage, chastity play, consensual non-consent, paddling/flogging, anal training, tickling, playing with sex toys, etc.

Other Types of Littles In DDLG

There are a few variants of this roleplay. For instance, there’s ABDL, that is, adult baby and diaper lover play. It requires the Little to remain in diapers and act like a helpless newborn baby.

Additionally, CGL or Caregiver/Little is identical to DDLG. However, you can use it for a Mommy Domme (dominatrix) and her Little boy or girl. This kind of roleplay also goes by other terms: MDLB (Mommy Dom and Little Boy) and MDLG (Mommy Dom and Little Girl). Moreover, DDLB is the roleplay between a Daddy Dom and his little boy.  Usually, the age of the Little is between 2 and 8 years old. It’s also common for partners to switch roles.

Summary

DDLG and other forms of ageplay can suit nearly any couple who wants to experiment with dominance and submission. As you’ve seen, it’s easy to transition from naughty DDLG play to BDSM kinks, and it may be worth it to try a session or two just to see if you are into it. So try some DDLG play today and have fun!

The BDSM scene is full of different people with unique kinks. But having fun with someone is just one step of the way. You also need to worry about what happens after the session is over. Here, we will take a look at one of the most important parts of BDSM relationships — aftercare.

Solo Kinkster Lifestyle

One of the first things we need to understand is that you can enjoy BDSM even if you are single. There is no reason why you shouldn’t have fun on your own. Now that we understand that let’s see what some of your options are. 

Firstly, you can go out and meet other kinksters interested in BDSM play. But, you can enjoy every single aspect of BDSM alone if that’s what you want. People often believe that spanking or bondage is pointless if there is no one to see it. That’s just plain wrong. Even if you don’t have a play partner, you can still enjoy intense sessions by yourself. 

There are numerous people out there who enjoy self-bondage or self-spanking, and the effect is the same. BDSM is what you make it to be, and if you don’t feel like having an audience, that’s perfectly fine. Of course, you can always find like-minded people to share a scene with you, but aftercare is important regardless if you are going solo or playing with someone else. 

The Importance of Aftercare

BDSM aftercare is everything that comes after the session, and it is crucial. It doesn’t matter if you are alone or with a partner. You still need to take care of yourself. Naturally, it mostly depends on the type of play you enjoy. Some people might require less coddling than others. 

It is possible that you will encounter people who aren’t really into aftercare, and they won’t stick around to share this part of the journey with you. But that doesn’t mean that you should skip it if they aren’t into it. Aftercare is important, and if they don’t assist you, you need to do it alone. 

Once you’ve had enough pleasure, there is a significant drop in energy in you and your partner. There are many things that can happen afterward, and you or your partner might need emotional and physical support. 

Here is a brief list of some of the things you can do as a part of the aftercare.

• Take off toys and gear.
• Clean everything.
• Take your partner somewhere warm or off the floor.
• Disinfecting and applying ointments.
• Taking painkillers (if needed), vitamins, supplements, and others.
• Offering water.
• Power drinks and chocolate.
• Hugging and cuddling.
• Reassurance
• Spending time together, maybe watching a movie.
• Others. 

The aftercare is not rocket science. It is about caring and showing appreciation. Furthermore, if there are any wounds, bruises, or pain, it needs to be addressed as soon as possible. Aftercare is about ensuring everything is ok and spending time together. Of course, some people are not into aftercare at all (if you are going solo), and that’s fine. You can’t force anyone to do something they don’t want. But it is important to take these steps alone.

You might also want to know these BDSM Aftercare techniques.

Get Your Own Aftercare Kit

One of the smartest things you could do is to create your own aftercare kit. Its contents should depend on the type of play you enjoy and what you might need after the scene is over. Create a list of items that will help you recover and put them all in a box. 

Some of the items you might want to consider are first aid kits, painkillers, disinfectants, and anything that can help you tend the wound. But medications aren’t the only thing you might need post-scene. Be creative. Add some sweets, your favorite movie, energy drinks, items for a bubble bath, and anything else. 

Get to Know Your Needs

One of the tricks you can do is to get to know your needs. That includes your needs both during and after the scene. Ask yourself what the things you enjoy are and figure out what it is that doesn’t seem too exciting. Get to know your limits. Create a list if you have to. You need to understand what is pleasurable for you and what some of the things you don’t plan on doing are. 

When it comes to the post-scene treatment, think about everything that makes you feel great. What are your cravings after adrenaline drops? As we mentioned, an aftercare kit can contain anything you want, so be sure to keep things you might need within your reach. 

Respect Your Limits

When you understand your limits, stick to them. There is no shame in backing out, and no one should make you feel like you are worthless because you are unwilling to do something. The very idea of BDSM is to feel good. Don’t mind what movies like “50 Shades of Grey” have to say. They aren’t an accurate representation of the BDSM subculture. No one should force you to do something you are not comfortable doing. Safewords exist for a reason.

And the worst-case scenario is someone not giving you the respect you deserve because you are unwilling to do something or you have reached your limits. So, what? If you are going solo, it doesn’t matter. You aren’t really involved with anyone, and only your opinion matters. It just shows you that you are better off without them. The only thing that matters is you. And if someone is unable to respect your boundaries? Well, fuck them (not literally)! 

You Don’t Have to Be Alone

If all of this seems frightening to you, you should know that there is a community full of people who would love to help you along the way. And that includes aftercare as well. You don’t have to be alone, and you don’t need to go through it by yourself if you don’t want to.

There is always a community you can run to for aftercare, and they will be more than happy to help you. Even if you are not a part of the huge BDSM group, you can still talk to your friends or anyone available to lend you their ear. 

What’s the difference between Shibari and Kinbaku? The Japanese art of bondage is incredibly unique, yet it is still relatively unknown to many BDSM enthusiasts. When did it originate, and how did it get so popular? Keep reading to learn more!

How Shibari and Kinbaku Started

Did you know that early Japanese bondage practices date back to the Edo period? That was nearly 300 to 400 years ago! Kinbaku was first introduced by a painting master called Seiu Ito, who used it in his works. They featured Kijo demons who used ropes to tie up beautiful young women. It took some time until Ito’s powerful paintings and Kinbaku became a modern phenomenon.

In the ’50s and ’60s, this unique art of bondage was first shown in magazines and even on live TV performances. The shows featured a Bakushi or the bondage master along with multiple Nawashi or the rope masters. A unique characteristic of Kinbaku is the use of thin rope made of linen or hemp.

Over the years, Kinbaku became a big influence on modern BDSM. Interestingly, the practice also became known as Shibari in the late ’90s. This term means “tying” or “binding.” It is accepted in Western circles and refers to the same style of decorative bondage. However, some modern Western scholars argue that there is a clear distinction between the two. In this case, Shibari only refers to the artistic rope. Conversely, Kinbaku refers to the erotic and artistic practice as a whole. Interestingly, Japanese rope bondage traditionalists do not employ that distinction.

Nowadays, Shibari is well-known in Western pop culture. You can even see it in music videos, movies, and TV shows. It is a popular BDSM practice today, and many bondage lovers practice it worldwide.

The Subtle Difference Between the Two

Even though evidence suggests that Japanese traditionalists do not make a distinction between these two practices, Western scholars insist on some subtle differences.

Usually, Shibari is defined as an ancient art of rope tying. It can also include weaving and binding. As a whole, it doesn’t aim to convey bondage as sexual. The end goal is the finished knot and tie. In a modern context, you could picture it as an art installation or an acrobatic act.

On the other hand, Kinbaku signifies “tight binding.” The end result is intentional and connective. The goal is to provoke a sensual or emotional reaction.

Also, Kinbaku focuses on the bondage process and the emotional reaction or connection. Still, the difference is subtle, and many use the two terms interchangeably.

Those who draw a clear line between the two often claim that Kinbaku is based on aesthetics from the latter half of the 20th century. Contemporary rope riggers like Kinoko-san often merge the two in their work. Ultimately, the differences are negligible.

Transitioning Into Art

Kinbaku rope was previously used on POWs through the traditional martial art of Hojojutsu. This martial art makes use of ropes as a weapon. Originally, the samurai practiced it, and they used the rope for restraining prisoners. Hojojutsu is visually pleasing because it uses sophisticated movements, rope patterns, and techniques. Moreover, the samurai sometimes used the rope to damage the nerves on the hands or limbs of disobedient prisoners. In the worst case, they strangled the prisoners with it.

In the 20th century, Kinbaku/Shibari transitioned into a renowned form of visual and performance art. Some scholars believe that the transition was made possible by Japan’s open attitudes towards sexuality and its connection to art.

Regardless of the context, Kinbaku and Shibari have strict rules regarding aesthetics. Artists have to follow several forms or Katas, along with many other rules. Many believe that the rope is simply a personification of the Nawashi. Still, newer artists have attempted to break those rules. One example is the use of fluorescent ropes.

Some of the most notable contemporary Shibari artists are Nobuyoshi Araki, Hikari Kesho, Hajime Kinoko, and Jim Duvall. The art was also featured in many European and American music videos, most notably in “Sucker” by the Jonas Brothers. Also, Kinbaku and Shibari are now a form of fetish art that is popular in BDSM circles.

Gaining Ground

As an art form, bondage rope tying can be highly interesting due to its unique aesthetics. Most works can feature photography, performance art, meditative/stress-relieving qualities, etc. They can also communicate values for relationship building, self-empowerment, sexuality, etc. Most importantly, they contain hints of BDSM and unconventional sex.

All of that can appeal to the spectator’s physical, mental, and emotional response. It’s also an exotic practice. That’s why it’s highly appreciated outside of Japan. Several years ago, in 2014, Lady Gaga was even bound and photographed in the same style, and her portrait was shown in the Louvre. On top of that, it seems that Kinbaku is also transitioning into the fashion world. Recently, Dior debuted a line of high heels inspired by rope binding. The practice is also very popular in London, where fans can even attend Shibari classes led by an experienced dominatrix.

Summary

Rope has always been a symbol of power and submission, and Shibari/Kinbaku can emphasize that in highly unique ways. Regardless of if you’re an art connoisseur or a horny BDSM enthusiast, Shibari/Kinbaku can certainly show you some profound truths on sexuality, relationships, and desire. So take a look at some examples of this art form today, and hopefully, it will inspire you! Have fun!

What does it take to become the ultimate dominant? Are you looking for ways to improve your confidence in any type of BDSM relationship? Or does your partner just want to be roughed up during hardcore sex?

If you’re often thinking about those questions, you may not be familiar with all the traits of a true and confident Dom. Luckily, if you’re patient and take some time to investigate the core of dominant and submissive roles, you’ll realize that there’s much more to it than whips, chains, toys, and other kinky accessories. So take a look at this guide on building your confidence as a Dominant!

What Does It Mean to Be a Dominant?

Submission and dominance are notions that can be widely influenced by your perception. If you are a BDSM lover, you may prefer a clear distinction between the two. At times, it can be challenging to understand the true role of a Dom. Some say that brown-eyed and right-handed people are naturally wired to be in control. Others believe that dominance is about rope, pain, and extreme humiliation.

However, playing the dominant role is a much broader term. It can apply to all areas of life. Have you ever tried to take control of a situation and managed to make it work in your favor? If so, you were exercising your dominant traits.

Generally, dominant individuals are defined by their love of power in various situations. They simply like to be in charge. That doesn’t automatically imply sexual dominance. But when it comes to sex, the dominant role extends beyond its popular portrayal.

Sure, you can make your partner wear a pony mask and fuck them in the ass to turn their body into your submissive toy. However, to become a better dominant, you have to explore the notion of power play.

Submission and dominance is a mutually beneficial dynamic. Power exchange revolves around exercising safety in boundaries and knowing how to communicate. The key takeaway here is that being truly dominant is a skill you’ll need to master. It doesn’t automatically allow you to do whatever you please with your partner. It’s all about communication, caring for your partner, delivering and receiving stimulation, and knowing how to control a certain experience

Most Women Love Being Dominated

If you are struggling to build confidence, just remember that some people love to be dominated. Many partners, especially women, prefer to relinquish control in bed for various reasons.

For example, in daily life, work and social responsibilities can sometimes become overbearing. That’s why many women choose to be submissive in the bedroom. That can apply to sex in general and not just to BDSM play. Most sex acts usually feature a dominant and submissive partner in one way or another. If you wish to be more confident in bed and explore your dominant role further, pay attention to those dynamics.

Can You Do Whatever You Want to Your Sub?

As mentioned before, communication is crucial in BDSM sex. To become a better Dom, you have to know that, in most cases, you won’t be able to do whatever you want with your Sub. Approval will always be necessary. Moreover, consent should be your top priority. The same goes for safewords. That is especially true concerning acts like impact play, sensory deprivation, torture, etc.

If you or your partner fantasize about dominance and have never tried it, it’s essential to set your boundaries. That is, being dominant requires you to know what you want precisely. It also means that you’ll need to be open to communication. You’ll need to express your desires openly and with confidence.

But, you’ll also have to exercise respect even in the most brutal slave humiliation scenarios. Additionally, you’ll need to have self-control and know when to take responsibility. That is why some believe that the Sub is the one who is actually in charge. In many ways, dominance is mostly about perceived control.

Therefore, you should always make sure to discuss any sexual activity with your partner before trying it. Encourage your significant other and talk to them about their fantasies, desires, and fetishes. Be supportive and incentivize them to be open and experiment with what turns them on.

Pay Attention and Listen

A good Dom also knows how to observe their partner and analyze their reactions. That will be incredibly important if you are just beginning to experiment with BDSM. It’s crucial to pay attention to your partner’s bodily movements and responses.

Remember, you will be in charge and will be responsible for your Sub’s pleasure or pain. Listening to your partner will ensure that you will not harm their emotional, sexual, or physical health. This is incredibly important in new relationships. By paying attention, you’ll learn about your Sub’s limits. Thus, you should invest some time in learning how to observe your partner.

SEE: The Truth About BDSM Relationships

On top of that, it’s also important to, shall we say, learn the ropes. You should invest some time and learn about using sex toys safely. That also applies to bondage gear, whips, ropes, masks, etc. You need to investigate BDSM as much as possible and learn a lot.

What’s more, being observant could also benefit you. It could help you become a better Dom and build more confidence.

Lead Your Sub

If you truly want to train your Sub and make them your slave, you have to combine all of the tips we’ve mentioned so far. You should be aware that a good Dom knows all about timing, patience, listening, respect, and boundaries. In most cases, you won’t be able to cut corners.

However, if you take the time, consider what we’ve said, and hone your skills, you’ll be on the right path. With time, you will know how to take the reins and dominate your partner. You’ll be able to lead her/him on to explore what they want.

Bear in mind that, sometimes, your partner may know how to verbalize their desires. It’s possible that they don’t even know how much dominance they can take. They could only become aware of it when they push their limits and try something new. Knowing this is the secret to becoming a great Dom. So use your dominant traits to reveal her/his hidden desires based on the reactions you’ve observed.

Show Your Dominance in Public

As mentioned before, dominance is not only present in your bedroom or dungeon. It extends far beyond that to all fields of life. If you feel like you are simply too shy to be dominant in bed, you should try to take long term control in daily life.

To build more confidence, you should try to go after what you want. And when you extend your dominance in public, you won’t only improve your sex life and BDSM activities. In fact, you’ll get in touch with your natural self. It’s possible to practice this by taking charge of work-related situations and everyday activities.

Additionally, your dominant and submissive relationship or any type of role play shouldn’t stop when you exit the bedroom. You can exert dominance over your partner in public and take control during mutual activities. Like that, you’ll participate in a kinky game that will make BDSM even hotter. What’s more, you could participate in the BDSM community and join events where you’ll be able to show off your new skills.

Summary

Hopefully, this article has shown you the intricacies of being dominant and building self-confidence. So focus on the things we’ve discussed today, and your confidence will surely improve! All that’s left now is to go out there and take control of your slave!

Whether you are a BDSM novice or an expert, you have likely heard of BDSM aftercare. Unfortunately, many people often overlook it. A lot of sex educators believe that doing so can make or break a BDSM relationship.

However, it is relatively easy to establish proper BDSM aftercare for the slave and master. This article will discuss some ways in which you can practice this recuperating habit. So check out this BDSM aftercare guide to learn more!

What Is BDSM Aftercare?

It’s no secret that BDSM sex is intense. It requires a lot of prep time and clear communication. But many things can go wrong even if you establish definite boundaries and experience unforgettable orgasms.

Overall, BDSM is much more complicated than dressing your partner up in latex and dominating them with wax and floggers. Moreover, using chains, ball gags, animal tail butt plugs, or shiny anal hooks may seem like the right thing to do in the heat of passion.

However, many people neglect to consider the aftermath of a truly intense session. In reality, it can cause physical and psychological damage if you are not careful. Fortunately, BDSM aftercare can help you avoid that in submissive and dominant relationships. It can also boost your sexual experience.

Essentially, BDSM aftercare is a term for the time you devote to your partner after any kind of sex. It is indispensable because it will allow both partners to nurture their emotional and physical needs. Aftercare can provide some well-needed downtime during which both partners can recover. Even if you are into BDSM activities that aren’t extreme, aftercare is simply a necessity.

Why Is It Needed?

Firstly, BDSM exists in the realms of fantasy. It rarely reflects our day-to-day lives. Even if your partner can’t wait to put on their dominatrix suit and whip you into submission, they may not want to continue with that role in real life. And that’s why you need some form of aftercare.

Overall, it offers both partners an opportunity to recalibrate. Both roles should practice it to reset their bodies and minds. It also allows a relationship to return to its normal state and avoid any harm.

An extreme yet typical example of BDSM-related damage is the so-called sub drop. It can also occur in doms, but subs are more susceptible to it. In a nutshell, the sub drop is caused by the sudden endorphin rush. Intense scenes and physical exertion can cause it, as well as a depletion in blood sugar. It’s similar to a post-orgasm high. The rush is so high that it can cause the sub to feel fatigued. What’s more, they could be fully incapacitated after a session.

The drop can also result in dehydration and fatigue, as well as depression. That’s why aftercare is equally as crucial as prepping before a session or using safewords.

Physical and Emotional Aftercare

Ultimately, aftercare depends on how you communicate. It will be your responsibility to find the methods that work best for both roles. If your partner isn’t willing to put in some post-sex effort, it may be time to rethink your relationship.

So what does it mean to reset after an intense BDSM sexual encounter? It requires several post-sex activities that allow the mind and body to cool down.

Commonly, aftercare can consist of anything from cleaning up equipment, offering food and refreshments, to cuddling or kissing. It should involve examining the sub’s body for any damage or wounds, depending on the activity you engaged in. Sometimes, formal contracts could pinpoint and define various methods. It may be wise to use a contract if you are planning a long-term relationship, especially if severely intense fetishes such as painplay are involved.

Furthermore, sex aftercare ensures that nobody feels abused, used, and degraded (except if that is the goal). Both partners should feel safe and cared for, especially after a highly intense BDSM scene. Other forms of aftercare could involve emotional comfort, a deep massage, a romantic bath, and active conversation.

When it comes to conversation, it is crucial to discuss the various kinks you have attempted during the session. Both partners could talk about their fetishes and remind each other that their BDSM kinks were an entirely normal part of sex. If something was off about the session, you should always discuss it with your partner. That way, you will not build up any negative emotions.

Aftercare could also be a way to enhance your next session and make it even more pleasurable. As mentioned, there’s a chance that doms could also experience a drop, so it’s vital to pay attention to both sides.

BDSM in Relationships

While it’s intensely hot, BDSM can reveal many things about a relationship. It can facilitate communication and allow both partners to explore dominant and submissive roles. It can also allow them to learn each others’ desires. Additionally, both roles will get familiar with how they wish to be treated.

All of the above traits are essential in any relationship. However, BDSM creates a one-of-a-kind bond between a submissive partner and a dom.

One of the critical aspects of aftercare is that it ensures the needs of both parties are met. It encourages communication and allows the formation of a genuine emotional connection (if desired). Moreover, it makes sure that both partners are attentive and physically unharmed.

Finally, aftercare isn’t only practiced right after a BDSM session. It can last for a day, week, or more.

Final Thoughts

BDSM is an intricate art that takes a long time to master. You will need to establish specific relationship dynamics and consider the effects on both parties to reap the benefits fully.

You should think about prep time, equipment safety, roles, fetishes, and so much more in advance to avoid psychological damage. BDSM aftercare is an essential part of it all, and it will allow you to practice your kinks safely and responsibly! And when you get the hang of it, it will be time to restrain your sub, whip them, dominate them with sex toys, and make them a cup of tea once it’s all over!

There is a chance that you are one of many people who want to learn more about this interesting subculture. The main problem is how to start. You see so many people that are experienced in BDSM; they live this unique lifestyle, and you might want to join but don’t know how.

We can help you. There are several things you need to understand before you can try experimenting on your own. The best way to know more about BDSM play is to enroll in a BDSM class or a seminar. Let’s see what you can expect if you decide to educate yourself in this form of sex play.

BDSM Lifestyle

For some, BDSM is something they experiment with in the bedroom, and it is a form of roleplaying with their partner. For others, BDSM can be so much more — it is a lifestyle. They are completely invested in it, and they enjoy spending every second of their lives in this world. This is why you hear about people going out with dog collars, butt plugs, cock cages, and other props.

BDSM scene does not stay in the bedroom, and it doesn’t even have to involve sex. Yes, you read it right. Dominant/submissive relationships are complex, intense, and emotional, but this doesn’t mean that every session will end with sex. Many people enjoy bondage from an aesthetic perspective, and there is nothing sexual in it. This is especially common with Shibari, a Japanese binding technique, which focuses on beautiful patterns while tying a person and on the visual aspect of it.

The BDSM community was wrongly portrayed by Fifty Shades of Grey. The movie inaccurately represents people who love kinkier things, and it doesn’t show the real situation, emotion, and heart behind it. A couple in a BDSM relationship deeply care for each other. They will ensure that both parties have a pleasurable experience, and consent (importance of consent in BDSM) is a crucial part of the process. So, no, there are no contracts that anyone needs to sign.

Since the scene can be quite intense, couples always have a safe word that will alert them of someone’s limits or what they are not willing to do. It’s all part of the fun, but it is only enjoyable if every party is having a good time.

BDSM Classes and Seminars

If you are inexperienced in BDSM, the first thing you need to do is research. You need to inform yourself about the different aspects of BDSM, what it is, and how everything works. Naturally, some basic elements are self-explanatory, like handcuffs and blindfolds, but for others, you’ll need to do your homework.

The reason why this is so important is that some parts of BDSM require a lot of practice and work. You don’t want to hurt yourself or your partner, and you need to understand what it is all about. It requires a lot of reading and studying to fully understand the essence of BDSM.

If something seems like a good idea, you’ll need to know how to maximize the pleasure and lower the risk involved. The easiest way to get to know more about sex toys, impact play, dominance, bondage, or anything else about BDSM is to attend a class or a seminar.

There are numerous classes available online that will give you a lot of necessary information. Ideally, you will attend a couple of classes from different sources, which will allow you to better understand the whole picture. These classes are designed to provide details about how things work and eliminate stigma and disinformation running around.

Many cities across the U.S. have local classes and workshops, and if you have one near you, give them a try. You might enjoy learning more about this fascinating culture and lifestyle.

What to Expect

Each class is different, so based on the type you pick, you’ll be able to learn about a variety of things. There is one thing that applies to all classes and seminars about BDSM — they are not porn. These websites and classes are dedicated to educating and informing people about different kinks and spheres within BDSM. So if you are expecting to get porn, you’re in the wrong place.

Websites often incorporate traditional aspects of BDSM and fetishes and explain every bit of information you need to know if you are a beginner in this area. One of the options you can check out is Crow Academy and some of the beginner classes they have to offer.

The first BDSM class is usually reserved for absolute beginners and those who know nothing about BDSM. It explains roles, terms, and why so many people find it exciting. From there on, you can learn more about domination and submission, and each role fits into the whole picture.

You can also find classes about bondage, which will explain more about techniques, knots, and the necessary equipment you’ll need. Furthermore, flogging is something you probably associate with BDSM, and there are seminars that will help you understand the art behind it. 

There is so much variety with BDSM. You can learn about canes, spanking, tools, toys, roles, and even how to create a full scene from start to finish. This is just the tip of the iceberg. It is safe to say that there are no limits to what you can learn and how you can enjoy yourself with your partner. Are you into pet play? Done. Looking for a way to incorporate BDSM into your life 24/7 every day of the week? Easy. The choice is yours.

Summary

The only way to learn more about BDSM is to start exploring and discovering more about this subculture. Probably the easiest way to start your journey is to attend a class and learn from those who are experienced in the field.

They will explain important parts, debunk common misunderstandings, and help you get on your feet. The only thing you need to do is start learning and understand what the secret of BDSM is.

If you are looking to spice up your sex life, learn more about rope play, find useful bondage tips, you’re in the right place. Bondage has been around for quite a while, and even vanilla couples implement elements of this BDSM culture. So, fasten your seatbelt, and dive into Bondage 101.

What Is Bondage?

Bondage is a part of the BDSM culture, and it involves restraining, binding, and tying for various reasons. Usually, bondage is sexual, but that’s not always the case. Many people enjoy the aesthetic aspect of ropes and binding, and for them, it would act as a performance. Regardless of the motives, the core idea behind bondage is restraining someone.

Usually, one person is submissive, and they will enjoy helplessness, restraint, and immobility. On the other hand, the dominant partner gets the thrill from being in control of the action.

As with any other type of power play, rope bondage is entirely voluntary and consensual. The couple will set limitations and rules so that both parties can enjoy whether the goal is sexual pleasure or anything else. Finally, there are many forms of bondage within the BDSM community. For example, Japanese shibari, where the main focus is on aesthetics and creating beautiful knots and patterns.

Who Can Enjoy Bondage Sex?

The best part of bondage play is that anyone can enjoy it. Gender is not important for this subculture. As long as you are into Dom/Sub play, you can have fun. Essentially, you’d have a tough time trying to pinpoint a specific group of people who enjoy rope play — it is everywhere.

As previously mentioned, the core idea behind bondage is power play. That means that anyone can be tied as long as they are into submissiveness. Different types of bondage attract different people. It is not rare to see partners practice shibari without sex. Many see bondage as an art form too. You just have to find someone who shares the same views as you do.

Ankle and Wrist Cuffs

When it comes to sex toys used in bondage, cuffs are probably the most common one. Today, using wrist cuffs during sex is something that many would consider vanilla. But you don’t have to go full Fifty Shades of Grey to enjoy bondage. Adding something as simple as cuffs can significantly spice up your sex life.

There are many different cuff types and models available on the market due to the popularity of these accessories. While you can use regular handcuffs, they can be uncomfortable and boring. It might be a lot better to get something fluffy and colorful instead. Similarly, ankle cuffs can restrain legs only, which will allow the couple to experiment with exciting sex positions.

Bondage Tape

Are you looking to do some housework? Is your pipe leaking? Get bondage tape! Unfortunately, you won’t be able to do any repairs with it since, unlike the duct tape, it only sticks to itself. But hey — you can use it in the bedroom instead! The main advantage of the tape is that you won’t have to worry about skin or hair sticking to the tape and potential painful removal afterward.

These are made of PVC, and they are incredible! Moreover, the tape is stretchy and shiny!

Spreader Bars

The next stop on the list is spreader bars. If you have never seen one of these, they look rather similar to cuffs. However, the main difference between wrist/ankle cuffs and a spreader is that the latter has a bar in place of the chain. That way, the person wearing it won’t be able to move their hands or legs or bring them together.

Bars can be a great addition to bondage, and you can imagine how exciting it would be if your partner had to have their arms or legs spread at all times.

Restraints

Now, restraints are a pretty broad category. They cover all toys and accessories used for forcing a person to be in a specific position. Among the most popular restraints are ball gags, anal hooks, armbinders, harnesses, collars, chains, but also cuffs and tapes.

As you can see, all of these are used to control (restrict) a person’s movement or body part. Naturally, the couple can combine a couple of different accessories during their session to make everything more exciting and fun.

Chastity Devices

Chastity toys like belts or cages are part of the BDSM restraints. The idea behind them is orgasm control. The person wearing the toy won’t be able to have sex or masturbate, which is quite common in a Dom/Sub relationship.

People with a penis usually wear cock cages, and they cannot get an erection or have an orgasm while wearing these. Vagina owners, on the other hand, can use belts. The Dom is usually the keyholder, and they will decide when their Sub can remove the device and experience pleasure. Chastity devices are also great for tease and denial.

If you’re into tease and denial, you might want to see these tease and denial games.

Bondage Rope

You can hardly imagine bondage without ropes. Many people call this type of BDSM rope play, and you would have a challenging time trying rope play without a rope. There are so many types of them available, and you will need to consider materials, length, and of course, color (pick something that goes great with your eyes).

The type of rope you will pick should mostly depend on the person you’re tying, and the type of bondage you like. Some are great for knots and shibari since they provide a lot of friction, while others are better for beginners and those learning the way of bondage.

Summary

Bondage is fun. There are so many elements you can implement into your sex life. This part of the BDSM focuses on restraint, which is usually a part of power play.

If that seems exciting, you’ll be delighted to know that there are so many toys you can try out. The most popular types are ropes, cuffs, tapes, and spreader bars. Feel free to experiment, and who knows, you might find something that you’ll thoroughly enjoy.

Being a submissive isn’t for just anyone. Many people struggle with grasping the concept of it alone.

However, we have some simple ways and tips on how you can become a submissive yourself. If you think this lifestyle is the one you want, then keep on reading.

Is This What You Really Want?

Many people find themselves confused when they face terms like kink, power play, BDSM, dominance, and submission.

Before deciding whether or not these things are for you, it’s vital to do some research first. Learn the basics and the whats of it all. And after you learn the “what”, you can move onto the “how.” So how can you implement your newly acquired knowledge to your bedroom? It can be tricky at first.

Power play can be emotionally draining. It requires a high level of trust with your partner, and that takes a long time to build. That’s why this process is a slow and steady one and can’t be rushed.

Roleplay Sex

Roleplay is a fantastic way to display and practice your submission. It’s a lot of fun too!

So roleplay is perfect for beginners. You can practice all kinds of roles and scenarios. Talk to your partner and find something you’re both into. Some of the examples of imaginative roles to try are king/servant, student/teacher, boss/secretary, etc. Basically, any combination of a role of power and subordinate works.

Roleplaying can also ease you into what being a submissive is really like. You can learn words you can say and things to do as a good sub. Also, it will help you discover what kind of submissive you are. Not everyone’s tastes are identical or they enjoy the same things.

You can play out any sexual fantasies you’ve ever had too! That’s why roleplaying is particularly useful for new dom/sub relationships. It’s a learning experience whether you’re playing a student or not.

Bondage

Here comes another excellent way to practice being submissive — bondage sex.

This kink the one in which you literally play with control. Your partner has a lot of power over you, with you usually being tied up or restrained. That’s why trust is imperative. You don’t want to do this with someone you don’t know well and have full faith in.

There’s no need to get tied up in any fancy ways. Start slow and work your way up if you find this kink to be something you enjoy. But make sure you talk everything through if it’s your first time being tied up, just in case.

Words Are Powerful

You need to learn the sub lingo to be an excellent submissive partner. Addressing your dom appropriately will make a world of difference in the entire experience.

Using language is the best way to amp up the power dynamics. Yes, that goes even if you’re not playing out scenarios or engaging in roleplaying. When you learn how to speak like a sub, you will learn how to act like one too.

Just by using simple words or phrases, you put a lot of accent on the fact that your significant other is the dominant partner. Terms such as “sir,” “master,” and “please,” or phrases like, “I live to serve you,” and “I’m here to obey you” will make any dominant lose their mind over you.

You’ll immediately notice how it will make all the difference. So practice that while playing a role to avoid any initial awkwardness or embarrassment. You can also ask your partner what they would like to hear. Both parties should enjoy playing, right?

Ask for Permission

This point is exactly what it sounds like, except that it’s a little different than asking your mom for candy. In this case, you’re asking your dom for… a different type of satisfaction.

Asking for permission in the bedroom cements your role as a submissive. It’s as simple as that. There’s nothing like pleading and begging to spice up your BDSM sex scenes.

And it’s not only the mundane things you can ask permission for. You can also agree on not allowing specific things beforehand. That way, you can ask for permission to do/have them. We’re talking about actions like touching yourself or reaching orgasm. Another fantastic choice would be your partner kissing you.

Anything can be prohibited until it is allowed. It can also be a game of push and pull. Your partner can decide to allow something but revoke the permission at any time; you can only get what you deserve.

Ask Your Partner to Punish You

Once you agree on some rules, they’re set in stone, right? Wrong!

Before you get into all the punishing, make sure you communicate first. Of course, there are safewords put in place should anything go wrong. But it’s wise to determine things before any BDSM activities take place.

Talk about what punishments are going to be. Don’t immediately go to extremes, especially if you’re new to all of this. That will surely create the power dynamic you’re aiming for.

We already spoke about permission, so let’s say you do something without said permission. Your partner has to punish you and teach you a lesson. So how can they do that? Spanking or withholding affections could be excellent choices.

And if you decide that is something you enjoy, you can move on to more “extreme” punishments. You should talk about it all, though. After all, you must ensure the safety of both parties involved.

Pain Play

Some BDSM plays involve receiving or inflicting pain. However, being part of the community doesn’t automatically mean you’ll find this kink enjoyable.

But if you do, there’s a lot for you to explore and experiment with. Pain play isn’t for the faint of heart, though. It requires prior education too. Again, being a sub doesn’t mean you necessarily enjoy pain.

Overall, if you do decide to try this kink, starting slow and steady is crucial. You can experiment with spanking, slapping, hair-pulling, or choking. But approach choking with extreme care to avoid any possible injuries. This type of play can have fatal consequences if not careful, so please exercise caution.

Utilize Toys

There are many different sex toys and BDSM accessories that can help get you into the right mindset.

Not only that, but you can invest in costumes too! No roleplay is complete without a costume to accentuate your respective roles. You don’t have to go to a store to buy your outfits, though. Take whatever you have in your closet and use that instead.

Some of the helpful toys you can utilize are handcuffs, blindfolds, whips, and such. It all depends on what you and your partner prefer. As always, both parties will have to agree upon all the terms before anything happens.

Summary

BDSM lifestyle isn’t that difficult to lead or maintain. The only question is — is it really the life you want? If so, we’re sure you’ll have buckets of fun!

I can already hear the mashing of teeth and the howls of disapproval when people read this article: “What? I’m supposed to whip my partner or let them whip me so that we can feel more intimate with each other?” Well Yea! Got a problem with that?

Intimacy in Marriage and All Long Term Relationships Is Hard

BDSM is an acronym that stands for Bondage & Discipline / Domination & Submission / Sadism & Masochism. That’s quite a mouthful but the variety within this topic can stretch from very tame BDSM to some serious heavy BDSM that only a few serious practitioners get involved in. The gay community has led the way in using BDSM for intimacy but the straight community is catching up fast, especially since people started reading Fifty Shades of Grey.

The internet loves to show shocking controversial images and I think that may give people not familiar with BDSM the idea BDSM is always some violent painful act. It doesn’t have to be.

Just to be clear I’m not advocating that all of you run out right now and buy whips and ropes in order to save your relationship. Whether any couple decides to explore the BDSM world or not, understanding the psychology behind it and why two people who love each other would want to journey into this realm can help any relationship.

BDSM Safety

Let me remind you of the safety protocols for sane BDSM:

• BDSM is practiced by two or more consenting adults
• All adults have educated themselves appropriately in the topic of BDSM
• Standard communication protocols that create safety and are understood and agreed to by all parties
• Safe sexual practices to prevent the spread of STDs is always employed

BDSM As An Act of Love

BDSM can either be a disconnected act between two strangers or it can be a road map to a more intimate connection between two people. In order for a loving couple to practice BDSM with loving intimacy, the sub must be willing to open up all of his body, mind and soul to the DOM; hiding nothing and dropping all defenses. The DOM needs to understand the sub so well that he can create a scene that will actually allow the sub to feel safe enough to give himself over.

In order for the sub to be that vulnerable, the DOM must do everything in his power to create a sense of trust and safety with his sub or he won’t get what he wants; the complete control of his sub. The DOM’s role is not an easy one. There is a lot of responsibility and a lot of effort put into dominating and controlling a partner in just the right way in order to create the chemistry that both of them are looking for.

This requires the DOM to also be open and honest with the sub; not deceiving, manipulative or hiding his own emotions from the sub. The DOM has to build a bond of trust and honesty so strong with the sub that the sub will be willing to open up all of his body, mind and soul to the DOM. With no defenses activated between the two people there are no barriers to that ultimate and some say spiritual meeting of the souls.

The sub lets go of any fear in his ego-mind that blocks love and intimacy from flowing freely. That deeper connection the two experience is very intimate and if the DOM can meet him in that place giving his own body, mind and soul to the experience, whats more intimate then that?

Healthy loving intimacy = vulnerability

When two people drop all of their ego-needs and really connect on that heart level the experience is like nothing else in the realm of human experience. This can be an empowering experience for both people. It can be a recipe for intimacy: intimacy equals vulnerability. Vulnerability is experienced when two people drop all of their defenses and open completely to each others. This requires a lot of trust in each other. The sub trusts the DOM to not hurt him, the DOM trust the sub to not reject him. The dialog, often unspoken is complete and without restriction.

Full Time BDSM?

In some BDSM relationships the role of DOM and sub are only played out in the act of sex and love-making. Some couples find that a more complete BDSM lifestyle works for them. In the more complete BDSM lifestyle the roles of control, domination and submission extend beyond the bedroom into other aspects of their lives together. This is a personal choice between the partners. They get to build a working relationship together. The important thing is that both people are knowledgeable and nobody is being manipulated by the other.

Don’t get me wrong, BDSM is not the only way to accomplish this meeting of the souls. It is one of many ways to your joint souls. If you are looking for ways to spice up your long term relationship and help keep it alive then BDSM is a worthy consideration.

Are you ready to start making positive change today?

 

We all heard the term at BDSM events or in forums, but what it is all about? What does it mean to be primal? Is it a fetish, is a style? We will dig a little deeper and understand what it means. Release your inner animal, here is your crash course on Primal packs.

WHO IS A PRIMAL AND WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

First of all, it is more of a style than a fetish. Being primal is different to everyone and there is no set tone of rules of protocols to follow. To be sexually primal means that one allows their animalistic – Their primal – self out when sexually aroused or during intercourse. You enjoy those basic, raw feelings coming out – whatever they may be. The more nonhuman seeming, the better.

HOW DO PRIMALS PLAY?

Primal sex and play, at times, might resemble a wrestling match in which the stronger or more dominant subdues the weaker. Sometimes it will be more playful, more dirty, more painful. Both parties do what their instincts dictate. There may be pressure points involved and some bondage but what sets primal play apart is the open display of raw emotions, sexual feelings. We forget about labels, roles during a primal play and picture ourselves as animals.

In the BDSM scene, some refer themselves neither as submissive, nor dominant but as primal. Why? Usually, the “dominant” who prefers primal play wants to fight – the pure and abject submission of the “submissive” isn’t what’s come into play.

BEING PRIMAL IS NOT PLAY PET

Most primals identify as particular animals, the most popular being wolfs, cats or apes. The style can be monogamous, by packs or pride or swing. If you join a primal swing, you should be aware of the rituals they establish, know the alpha, etc. Even though primals may engage in pet play, two can be distinctly different. There is no leashes or collars to assert submission and two (or more) partners might fight for dominance with each other. This can be as painful or violent remaining with primals personal limits. Contrary to what we may think, there is safe words, signals or grunts.

WHERE DOES A PRIMAL PLAY TAKE PLACE?

Like any fetish, it can happen anywhere. However, the favored environment is doing it outside, in nature, Keep a blanket or a tent in your truck for sudden urges. f you’re going to do some of the more edgy types of primal play in a public play space, be sure to let the DM’s know what it is you are doing. A primal play is just that…primal, and it can be disturbing to observers who may not be familiar with the concept of an s-type actually fighting back in earnest.

DOES IT INVOLVE TOYS?

Most of the primals enjoy a more hands-on approach to play, and no expensive tools or toys are required. You were born with all the kink toys you need for playing primal: teeth, nails, hair, and skin.

Primal play can involve biting, scratching, growling, grunting, roaring, screaming – animal like sound, hair grabbing and hair pulling. Because of the roughness, stuff can also happen like accidental elimination. Keep a towel and baby wipes as well as alcohol handy. Primal play involves amounts of fear play and rough body contact play – some associate primal play with edge play.

Try Googling chastity cage because it is commonly used in BDSM too. This is because it deprives men from the pleasure as punishment. In turn, chastity improves semen quality.

PRIMAL PACKS

Like any group of kinksters, primals sometimes gather in groups called packs. This small community may have a strict hierarchy with each individual understanding their place in the pack. Most of the time, the group will consist of one Alpha. Fight for dominance might happen to naturally elect a new Alpha – much like a wolf pack of a lion pride. It is not about physical strength; the best leader is the most competent person taking care of all the group.

NOT ALL ABOUT SEX

Not all primals are constant fuck fest – the pack can be a safe place when life gets rough. It is a group allowing to fuck, fight or cuddle depending on specific needs. For many packs, the purpose is to build trust among members and create their own family. It is to join a group that embraces your self-expression and who you are as a person, regardless of your kinks.

SOME VOCABULARY

Alpha ― The leader of a primal pack or pairing, the most dominant. (Sometimes, in a pack, there will be an alpha pairPredator ― A primal who takes on the role of the animal hunter who desires to capture prey

Prey ― A primal who takes on the role of the animal hunted who desires being captured by the predator hunter ― Someone who takes the role of the human hunter to catch and subdue the animal

Mate ― One you form a bond with through sex and other play

Pet ― (not exclusively primal), someone you might have sex with, but who are not accorded the rank of mate

Furry ― (Not exclusively primal or BDSM), one who enjoys giving emotions and feelings to animals with human-like tendencies and features

First things first, let’s clear up exactly what BDSM means: bondage and discipline (B&D); dominance and submission (D&S); sadism and masochism (S&M).

It’s split up this way because BDSM means a lot of different things to the people who identify with it. And don’t believe the 50 Shades Of Grey hype – when performed consensually, those people aren’t mentally unstable or have a history of abusive behaviour, they just have a kinkier nighttime ritual.

Another 50 Shades misconception is that BDSM involves pain or sex at all. It doesn’t (unless you both want that). The only requirement involved with BDSM is trust and consent. There is always a dominant person (gives orders, is in complete control) and a submissive participant (receives orders and does as they’re told by the dominant). EL James obviously wasn’t a fan of fact-checking.

Yet the book, which is generally looked down on by BDSM fans, has helped it become more mainstream, High Street even – some Ann Summers stores now have their own BDSM sections selling all the impedimenta you need, which, plainly, is great if you always wanted to partake but were too afraid to ask. But there’s still a slight stigma attached to it, so you’ll need to plan this carefully.

First of all, research is key. Settle in for a long session on a BDSM tube, hit a BDSM chat room (yep, they still exist), read BDSM erotic fiction – expose yourself to as much of it as you can and work out exactly what it is you like. Once you’ve got your head around it, share it with your other half. This is not the time for shock and awe – start gently, maybe showing them a video you’ve seen. Say, “Looks kind of sexy, don’t you think?” and gauge their reaction. If they’re into it, great. If not, park it. It may plant a seed in their mind that does eventually flower, it may not. You can’t force them. That’s not what BDSM’s about.

Assuming they’re happy, it’s time to introduce it to the bedroom. BDSM isn’t an impulsive act; it takes planning, research and preparation, but a good transitional device is a mask. Buy one and ask if they want to wear it/mind you wearing it during sex. It might seem trivial, but whoever’s wearing the mask (the submissive) has to put all of their trust into the person who isn’t (the dominant) and that’s where things should get sexy. If it felt good, suggest a massage with a vibrator while their eye mask is on.

If that’s the extent of your fantasy, great. Mission accomplished. But if you want to edge towards the kinkier side of things, you need to keep establishing that trust by never exploiting it, obviously, but also by having plenty of post-coital discussions about what you both liked and what else you could try. Then you need to prepare yourself. When I said BDSM wasn’t impulsive, I meant it – you need an awful lot of gear if you want to explore BDSM more broadly.

Want to tie someone up? You’ll need a specialist product that reduces the risk of rope burn. Then you’ve got to think about adjustments. Things like spreader bars (Ann Summers sells out of these every Valentine’s Day) and nipple clamps aren’t necessarily designed for pain because you can change how tightly they fasten, and some days you or they may wish to be in more or less pain than the time before. Then there’s putting on the BDSM uniform. Whether that’s just lingerie or, well, a uniform – it all takes time and a very free schedule. But if procuring the products, setting them up and getting dressed up is worked into the ritual of kinkier sex, the prep can become its own pleasure.

By now, you should be in full swing, enjoying all the safe, sexy delights BDSM can offer, whatever that might mean to you. I bet they put Christian Grey’s efforts to shame.