FIRST PERSON Account
Spirituality in Bipolar Disorder Treatment

Spirituality means many things to many people. I am not writing to say one form of spirituality is better than another. I take on the belief held by many 12 step Recovery groups. One need only find and believe in someone or something that has more power than oneself. It is called a Higher Power. This idea can be read in any 12 Step literature. This Higher Power can be a deity, the universe, your family, a group of friends who care about you, a tree, the sun, or the moon. The core belief is that there is some power greater than yourself.

I personally do not have a problem with this. I know that no matter what I do the universe shall continue, the sun and moon shall still rise. I am not the most important thing in the universe, and that is a relief.

Through spirituality, I pray to my Higher Power in times of great distress. I ask for that which I cannot attain on my own. I also find a sense of peace and a purpose to my life. It is easy for me to commit suicide or harm myself if I truly believe my life has no meaning. But that is not the case. Through my study in the divine, in my Higher Power, I have found that there is a reason and a purpose for everyone. It will still be painful and difficult. However, I am of the belief that this world is our classroom. Here we learn spiritual concepts through mundanitynity of our lives. At the time of crisis, I may not know what the purpose or meaning is. However, I do know there is one and I will lose the greatest chance to learn if I give up. The more painful it is, the greater the lesson.

You see, I have to believe in something greater than myself. For by myself I am weak and very ill. My mind becomes fogged and all I can see is the negative. I cannot remember the good times, my hopes, my dreams, and my future. Instead I am sure that my current hell is all that I shall ever perceive again. This is where my faith comes in. I believe in a deity and in reincarnation. My God is loving and yet challenging. The goal is for me to become the best person I can, caring for and about others, seeing the beauty in the world, and finding meaning in the tragedies.

I realize most people have different spiritual beliefs than I. However, any person of any religion or no religion can find meaning in their life. One can be compassionate, caring, and helpful to others. These things all give meaning to a person's life. Each one of us has that something special that only we can do. Our jobs are to find out what it is we can do and then how we can use it to benefit humanity. It could be having children of our own, writing a beautiful poem or piece of music, teaching others, healing others, or being a friend or partner to someone who needs us. We all have these abilities, if we choose life and choose to use them.

One night, I was crying and losing all semblance of sanity. I felt as though my life were over, that in fact it never should have been. I prayed to be killed so that I would not commit the sin of suicide. I loved my family and friends, yet felt for sure that I did not matter to them at all. I wondered if they would miss me at all even, and if so, if they would care. Now this shows my greatly impaired thought processes. In the midst of my crisis, I looked up into the largest, brightest, and prettiest full moon I had ever seen. Tears started to flow from my eyes and I fell to my knees. I was in love, in rapture. I felt the presence of God in my life, and for once I truly felt blessed. It was then I knew that my own pitiful life and my delusions were not all important. There was a being, a Power Greater than I, to Whom I could pray and from Whom I could learn. The colors were brighter and I started to feel a stirring of hope. My crisis was far from over, but now I had an ally on my side that would love me unconditionally.

My spirituality has broadened my vision. In the past, I was sure that my problems were all that mattered, no one else could be so important as I. What a mistake that was and what a relief to find out it was false. Today, I have hope. I have this hope due to my spiritual beliefs. Without hope, I strongly believe that no one could survive. Join me in my quest for spirituality. Find what is most meaningful to you, and what feels right to you. Never let anyone else make these decisions for you. And may you all be blessed in all that you do. May the moon and the stars, the sun and the sky, your friends and family bless you. I wish you all the best.

-- by Stephenie Gardella

My Autobiography:

I have quite varied interests. I enjoy psychology, spirituality, philosophy, arts and crafts, anthropolgy, writing, classical music, and writing. I have a personal history of mental illness which I have learned to cope with through therapy, medication, and spirituality. Comparative religions is a special study of mine. Specifically, I study Hinduism, Buddhism, Wicca, and Druidry. A wide variety of crafts is my specialty, such as candle making, soap making, aromatherapy, beading, woodcrafts, and weaving. I find that my spirituality and art sustain me..

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